went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My dick has a subreddit
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
