Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
