the condom got lost in my hair
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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