I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
