my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
