Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
