honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
