i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
