GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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