I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
