so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
