I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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