is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
