someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
