My friends, they love my intelligence
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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