Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
