Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
