have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
