She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
