It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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