I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
