i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
