I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
