Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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