happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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