Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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