First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
All I want is dick and wine.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
