they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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