Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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