The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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