Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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