I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
