She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
