wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
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Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We're too hungover to prance.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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