he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
