one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
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