I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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