I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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