I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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