I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
