Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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