True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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