You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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