I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
