someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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