Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
