he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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