the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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