Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
