he thought i was a dude.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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