Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
