I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
