I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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