she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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