Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
