Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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