you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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