Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
