The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
