Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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