Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
