tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
